I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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