My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
