shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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