Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
