Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
