If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
