Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
