K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
