Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
