i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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