I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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