im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You made out with two different species that night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize