I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
