my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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