dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
