According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
