youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize