I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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