Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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