so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
