I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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