saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize