matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
