My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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