just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
tell me about the eggs
Randomize