Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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