I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
