I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
