You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I need moral support for this bender
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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