Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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