ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Text me some of your sweat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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