life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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