My liver just broke up with me...
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
