i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
