Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
