She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i believe in u and ur pee
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
