My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
