Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
