how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
