maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
