I feel like abortions should bother me more
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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