I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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