I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I didn't shave. On purpose
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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