How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize