I'm really into asian looking animals
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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