I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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