i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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