you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
