my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
