I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
