someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
