I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
