so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
