She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
