So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
