I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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