I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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