After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
