is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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