that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
