I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
