i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
