I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
