I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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