I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
