The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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