Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize