My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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