So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
