Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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