you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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