i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
