my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize