she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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