there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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