Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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